Thursday, April 19, 2012

Sad Week

Hey Everybody.

I so apologize for being absent.
It's been a tough week.
See, a friend of mine had the most
horrific thing imaginable happen last weekend.
Her son was killed.

I cannot even begin to imagine the loss of a child.
Her Justin and my Justin were the same age.
Though our sons didn't know each other,
we each spoke of them often through the years
of our work relationship/friendship.

My heart has been breaking for her.
I drove 2-1/2 hours to go to the visitation.
When I walked in, it literally took my breath away.

When my Justin was little,
he used to take sheets of 8-1/2 x 11 pieces
of copy paper, fold them in half,
and make cards for me.
He would place them on my bed
so I could find them when I turned in for the night.
I've saved every single one of them.
On the front would be,
"To Mom
From Justin"
and I would open them up and it would either say,
"I love you", or
"You're the best mom", or
whatever message he felt like giving me for the day
along with whatever picture he felt like drawing.

When I walked into the funeral home,
there were boards of my friend's Justin
showcasing his life.
On these boards were cards just like
my Justin used to make.
"To Mom
From Justin"
I could hardly look at them.

When I saw my friend
I could not hug her tight enough.

I remember the loss of our first child.
I was 4-1/2 months pregnant,
when it was discovered there was no heartbeat.
I will never forget that pain.
But raising a child
and having them in your life for 23 years,
I can't even begin to understand that feeling.

So I've shut down for a bit.
Not for my own pity,
but for the sadness that encompasses my heart
for my friend.
I admire people who can reach out in a time of hurt,
needing someone to lean on.
I'm not like that.
I can't share my hurt.
It's something I have to deal with in the quiet
serenity of my mind until I can grasp it,
deal with it, and let it go.

I had a friend who needed to share with me.
Her heart was hurting and her words to me, with tears in her eyes,
"I needed you to see my hurt."
I truly was in awe at that moment.
That she could be so raw,
so vulnerable,
to open up her hurts and share,
was impressive to me.

I can't do that.
But I am OK with being me.
It's just very inspirational,
and I felt honored,
that she trusted me enough
to be so open.

So I can feel myself coming back to reality,
but I thought I better let you all know
that I'm still here and kicking.

And, as a side note
 I'm hoping, that even though my Justin
will be 23 next month,
I am hoping for more homemade cards on white paper reading,
"To Mom
From Justin
I love you"

Thank you all for just being you.  Though some are my friends & family reading my blog
and some 'virtual' friends I've never met face to face,
you all are special to me
and I thank you for bringing what you do into my life.
I truly mean that.

God Bless,
Cindy

4 comments:

Shay said...

Oh Cindy Im so sorry for your friend. It must be awful to lose a child. My head wont even let me imagine it.

Cindy said...

There are no words ... But our God is able. Hang in there. It will get better, at least bearable....almost.

Love you.
C

Andee said...

So sorry for your friend's loss...deal with it however you need to...there are just no words of comfort I know how to say.

linda said...

oh cindy ,i can feel for her i lost my son 5 and a half years ago he was 26 in a car wreck,just be there for her she will need you ,do what you can but never stop talking about him.